Failure

Does your life sometimes feel like one big epic fail?

Or is that the depression talking?

Fatigue vs depression

I don’t have anything revelatory to say about them, just that they are two different monsters. One is hiding in my closet, and the other is under my bed.

Having both fatigue and depression can be complicated. Which one is not letting me get off the couch today? Which one drags my feet as I walk? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

When it’s hard for people to understand mental illness already, how do I go about telling them I’m tired… but not in a normal way?

It’s more in a way that makes it literally hard to get from the couch to the bed, because it takes too much energy. And I live in a studio!

Poll:

Do you have fatigue, depression, or both? Or neither?

feeling defeated tonight

Is anything ever going to change? I mean, really change. They say I’m supposed to have the power to change my own life, but that sure feels like a tall order tonight.

My friend always says “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always got”.

Where do you find the strength to change, when you know you should but don’t feel very strong?

Wheel of emotions

Remember that show Wheel of Fortune? How it had the giant disk that people would spin, and it landed on a particular slice with some kind of prize? Some days it feels like that’s my emotional disk… Several slices with random emotions, and you never know exactly where you’ll land.

Today was a grumpy day. I’m not sure why, it was just one of those days where everything annoyed me. Tomorrow could be happy. Or ecstatic. Or frustrated. Or somewhere in between all three. I just never know.

I try to make the best out of whatever the day brings me. Usually. Sometimes I just give in to it. But most days I’m able to recognize that I’m at least somewhat in control of my emotions. But then again, I hate taking control. So I’m really just in a pickle no matter what. Now I’m really grumpy. 🙂

How was your day?

What is abstract reality?

ABSTRACT: existing in thought or as an idea but not having a physical or concrete existence

REALITY: the state or quality of having existence or substance

This is a perfect example of the paradoxes that a depressed mind creates. My world is still real; there are trees and birds and mountains and lakes, but there is another part of me that exists only in the abstract. This is when I hear one thing and see another, or when my mind comes up with thoughts that are not real – people, places, emotions, ulterior motives… the list is long. It is a daily balancing act and I don’t always succeed. But if I can get through one more day, one more hour, if I can muster up one more positive thought… I’m on the right track.

How do you experience abstract reality?

Introductions

Welcome! My name is Amanda, and I have major depressive disorder. I am a writer, a singer, and a crazy cat lady. Life has graciously provided me with lots of stories to share. My ultimate goal is to write a book about my experiences, but for now, I’m starting with a blog!

Feel free to leave a comment below, even if all you want to say is hi! 🙂